Former senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has launched a Gaslighting America Tour in order to set the record straight about how she lost the presidential election to a candidate who could not possibly win.
"We had expected me to lead in the voting totals and in the electoral college, but we had no way to anticipate that the election outcome would be the way it turned out," Mrs. Clinton said.
"Now, as part of the process of adjusting to this unexpected change of leadership we face, I am setting the record straight about exactly what happened to make America face the prospect of my rightful presidency being stolen from me by hordes of deplorable people who hate a free and equitable nation," she said.
"I feel, as does everyone who has decency, that the time has come to resist these deplorable conspirators and to thwart their plans of taking away our America and replacing it with one that degrades women, the poor, minorities, LGBLTBBQ, the disabled, immigrants, and anyone who is some combination of these."
Clinton laid blame on various groups and individuals, including a vast right wing conspiracy, Russians, racists, misogynists, fake news, and an alleged patriarchy.
She declined to mention any other factors that led to her downfall, including reports of rampant alcohol abuse.
According to Amelia Nation, chair of the Temperance Now Coalition, Mrs. Clinton was her own agent of failure and that blaming others for her defeat would make it unlikely for her to take some accountability and perform better in her future endeavors.
"It would have been great for a woman to be in the White House as president, a real uplifting example for all women and girls to aspire to," Ms. Nation said.
"But the presidency is a tough thing to get to, campaigning is brutal and can take a toll on even the strongest among us. This is made even tougher when you put alcohol abuse into the equation. When she should have been at the strongest point in her career, Hillary Clinton turned to alcohol, and could barely get through a day on the campaign trail when she wasn't tottering and lurching about, belligerently denouncing her perceived enemies, or disappearing because of being "sick" for some unexplained reasons."
The Gaslighting America tour is expected to continue into next year, Mrs. Clinton's health permitting.
While most scientists and engineers rely on advanced math skills to understand scientific principles, perform critical research, and develop new technological breakthroughs, there are many people who are intimidated by the precision required to succeed in mathematics.
They often struggle through science and engineering courses, with no relief from their dilemma.
Bonita Sarkasmian, a social justice activist and aspiring science student, has spoken out about how knowledge of mathematics is an unfair imposition on those who struggle to understand the concepts behind it.
"We have literally hundreds of thousands of students who would like to succeed in STEM fields, but the barrier of entry is too high because of the outrageous expectation that they have math skills," Ms. Sarcasmian said.
She went on to explain, "Mathematics was invented by the patriarchy as an oppressive device to keep women from invading the male spaces of facts, logic and reason. Women are just as capable as men at understanding science, and learning how to engineer stuff, like design and whatever. We can do it without all those ridiculous numbers that the patriarchy invented. It's so unfair and many times the sight of an equation will trigger a student and they can't, like complete an assignment and they don't do well in the course."
"I mean really, like do you need numbers to know how long Batman's cape has to be so that it covers his butt? Yeah, no you don't. You can just eyeball it with the female gaze and tell and you know if it needs to be a little longer, a little shorter, or if it's fine the way it is."
A new tenent of the Republican "Covenent with America" was announced at one of the debates on Tuesday.
A comprehensive jobs program designed to get every American who wants a job back to work has been crafted into into the so called covenant during the latest round of campaign efforts. This particular measure would consist of hundreds of thousands of jobs being opened up at Snopes.com to fact check various rumors and urban legends circulating on the internet and elsewhere.
The news of this jobs program was delivered by GOP candidate Ted Cruz during one of his rebuttal periods in which Donald Trump alleged that he was very weak on any plans to make America great again.
"So many Americans have lost their jobs or have had hours cut back because of the policies of Democrats. There are a lot of people worried about the next paycheck or how they will cover their bills," Mr. Cruz explained.
"What we have in mind is a plan that would have people placed in well paying jobs at Snopes, where they will research the accuracy of various stories that circulate in email and social media. We expect There will be as much work as they can handle, and then some."
Even critics agreed on that point.
A HRC Super Volunteer commented on social media, "With more republicans sweeping into power, there will be a flood of propaganda and lies being circulated on the net and in media. Snopes and other sites like that will have a deluge of work coming in as long as the GOP has so much influence."
Recent disclosure that reality star Josh Duggar has been arranging adulterous affairs on the Ashley Madison web site has not hampered his efforts to market coverage of his life in a reality show format.
The Duggar family has announced a partnership with HBO to produce a new series featuring Josh, 20 Concubines and Counting.
"We're very excited about the new show, since it will permit our family the chance to show viewers worldwide that it is beneficial to live a Godly life in harmony with Biblical principles," said Josh's mother, Michelle Duggar.
"I know Satan has attacked us with a few setbacks, but we know in the end Satan will be defeated and our Lord will triumph over all of Creation."
The Duggars had originally starred in a series, 19 Kids & Counting, produced by TLC, but their show was supended by the network in May, 2015 when the Duggars' eldest son, Josh, publicly apologized for having "acted inexcusably" following reports that he molested five girls, including some of his sisters, by fondling them. These events occurred in 2002 and 2003, when he was 14 to 15 years of age, and prior to the beginning of the show. In July, 2015, TLC announced that the show was officially canceled and would not resume production.
The new show was pitched to HBO when the Duggar family head, Jim Bob, went into deep study of the Bible and discovered that adultery only consisted of sexual relations with the woman who is married to another man, while there is no prohibition on sex with an unmarried woman, provided her father was suitably compensated financially or with livestock. He also discovered that a man can still meet Biblical standards if he take his unmarried sexual partner as a concubine.
"HBO has seen to it that all the girls' daddies have been given enough cash and goats to offset their losses of being unable to marry off their daughters," Jim Bob said.
"We expect to go forward with this series meeting God's standards for us, and that our fans will see how we comply with all Biblical mandates as a witness to Godly living. That's what they came to admire in us before, and that's what will keep them with us in the future.
During a routine airport screening, TSA agents have found a mail server in Hillary Clinton's panties.
Ms. Clinton was boarding a plane from JFK airport, and during the screening process TSA agents were alerted to a metallic object in her custody that led to her being required to go to secondary screening for a pat down.
The female agent who searched her in the secondary screening found something that she had never seen before.
"Ms. Clinton had a mail server hidden in her panties," according to the agent who remained anonymous.
"The server was set up to run on a micro SD card and plugged into a tiny board with a wifi connection, and powered by four coin cell batteries. We would not have found the server excet for the batteries contained just enough metal to trigger our metal detector, which led to our requiring her to undergo secondary screening," the source said.
After determining that the server presented no threat to travel safety and was not in violation of federal law, Clinton was allowed to put it back in her panties and dress before boarding her scheduled flight on time.
Critics were quick to question the presence of a mail server in Clinton's possession, and wondered if it had classified government emails that didn't belong there.
Myron Finkster, of the Republican Homeland Directorate, pointed out that a mail server was an unusual thing to be transporting in one's panties.
"We would expect that a mail server being secreted in that manner was highly unusual, and leads to several questions. What was on the server? Why didn't the agents detain her long enough to have a qualified forensic agent examine the server and determine that no law was being broken? This is a serious lapse of security protocols to let her go on without determining that national security interests are properly being served," Mr. Finkster said.
Clinton associate Huma Abedin defended her against claims that there was anything foul in her panties.
"There is nothing top secret in Hillary's panties, just routine stuff that has nothing to do with the public. Okay, maybe there's a few coins for good luck, so she never gets flat broke again."
The US presidential election just got more heated with the entrance of a member of the Jedi Order into the 2016 contest.
The new candidate announced his intention to run in the election on Wednesday, but did not say andthing about having any party afiliation or who any of his financial backers are.
Speculation was rampant amount political pundits after the announcement.
"We don't know what we are getting with this Jedi," New York Maven columnist Russ Yorlander said. "It could be a game changer, or it could be more of the same. Time will tell."
Pox News host Reilly O'Reilly expressed concern.
"The Jedi Order is long gone, and all evidence points to it being extinct, and now this one comes along offering hope. Some things are too good to be true, so I have to wonder, is this one of them?"
Susan Beavbody of the Chicago Ledger-Tribune said she was open to trying a new path, given that the same candidates kept running again and again, with little meaningful change.
“America is at a crossroads. The last couple of decades has seen a transformation from America fighting the Evil Empire, to being the Evil Empire. A change of leadership is needed before this road is traveled so far that it's no longer a possibility to return from it."
"Face it, until now all we had offered was the polarizing, calculating, disingenuous, insincere, ambitious, secretive, entitled, Hillary, and a car load of Republican clowns dressed up in business suits."
Racial activists lobbying to give hurricanes black names
Racial activists have been lamenting the strained race relations in America lately, and the discontent also includes that naming of storms.
LaVonda Mofo, of the Black Empowerment Group, issued a statement on Tuesday explaining the desire of the group to see hurricanes given black names..
"Blacks are once again left out in the cold, and this includes being excluded from the selection of names for hurricanes and storms", Ms. Mofo said.
"We are only asking for our fair share of recognition, that these storms be given names like Latonya, Deshawn and Beyonce, in a proportion representing our population."
"We are tired of a constant stream of hurricanes with names like Dennis, Katrina, Bonnie and Andrew. Imagine if hurricane Jamal had slammed into New Orleans and devastated it. People would have stood up and tooken notice. We would finally get the attention we deserve."
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi was injured on Tuesday when she accepted an Ice Bucket challenge.
The California Democrat was challenged to pour a bucket of ice water over herself and to donate to a popular charity, so she accepted the challenge during a televised press conference.
Congressional floor sweeper Hap Goodwin wielded the bucket and poured the ice water over Ms. Pelosi in front of several hundred onlookers.
According to bystanders, Pelosi started screaming as the water soaked into her clothing and touched her skin.
"She started screaming 'Oh, the pain, the pain', according to Dorothy Gayle, of the Dissociated Press.
"She was writhing and convulsing, and melted into a puddle on the floor."
Homeland Security supervisor Rusty Tinman told interviewers that Pelosi seemed to be reluctant to have the ice water poured over her, but went ahead anyway.
"She put up her hands in a defensive manner and hesitated for a few moments, then gave an okay sign to go ahead," Mr. Tinman said.
What happened next was shocking to onlookers. Pelosi started screaming about being in pain, and started melting, with chunks of flesh detaching. Security personnel summoned medical assistance, and the paramedics loaded the congresswoman into an ambulance and took her to a nearby hospital for observation.
Several witnesses had to seek counseling after the incident. No information about her condition is available at this time.
Scientists have determined that the migration of humans northward from Central American nations such as Guatemala and Honduras has been caused by climate change.
D.M. Sayre, of the Climate Watch Institute, released a statement at the climate conference in Amsterdam, explaining the mechanism which drives the recent waves of human migration, which includes a large number of children.
"We have looked at many variables, including economics, crime, political and social forces, and have found that migration strongly correlates with changes in climate," Dr. Sayre said, "and this mechanism has found a tipping point that will cause it to increase."
The announcement was also accompanied by a report, which detailed the manner in which climate causes migration.
An average temperature increase of one degree in two decades has an enormous impart, according to the report. One of the consequences of the increased heat is that the crops that people like Hondurans are accustomed to eating must be planted farther north. This requires entire families to relocate, since they grow much of their own food on family plots.
Another factor that pushes migration is an economic one. People who were accustomed to a certain temperature range will often become very uncomfortable when the temperature increases. This discomfort may require them to need air conditioning, and the paradox is that many of them can not afford to buy and operate an air conditioner, so the alternative is that they must move north to a climate that is more comfortable, and affordable.
This trend appears to be irreversible, and it is expected that by 2075 most of the land south of Yucatan will be uninhabitable, with the majority of that migration being to the United States. Very little of the migration will be to Canada, which has strict standards for immigrants to qualify for admission.
In an effort to gain support for the widely unpopular Obamacare program, the administration has announced a new program that will dispense pills to Americans that will be delivered by drones.
While the so called Affordable Care Act does not have a specific mention of drones, some enabling executive orders allow for them to be part of the program.
"We call this the 'drones for peace' battalion," an unnamed source in the administration said.
"Instead of raining death from the skies, we have repurposed some drones to deliver life saving medicines to patients who qualify for them."
Harsh criticism followed the leak of the details about the program.
"What if they drone the wrong house and some teenagers get some Paxil?"
"How can you really be sure that the medications will end up in the hands of the intended patient?"
"Is the Obama administration on drugs?"
These are a few of the questions that critics have about the program. Critics have also been concerned that medications prescribed by death panels might mistakenly be delivered to patients that have a reasonable hope of recovery. The White House has refused to comment at this time.
Controversy is stirring at McDonalds corporation amid allegations that Ronald McDonald has never eaten any of the McDonalds menu items.
"We have studied over nearly 40 years of advertizing featuring Ronald McDonald and we have never seen even one instance of Ronald McDonald eating McDonalds food", said Elise Spurlock of the consumer watchdog group Crockbusters.
"All those years of print and video advertizing show Ronald McDonald talking, interacting with other McDonalds characters, and holding their food products", Ms. Spurlock reported, "but there is not even one documented instance of him taking a bite of any of the food."
None of the McDonalds spokespersons or employees contacted were willing to discuss the matter. StaggerOn.org requests that anyone with a documented instance of seeing Ronald McDonald eating McDonalds food to contact us at email@example.com.
North Korea launched a fleet on Tuesday, which is headed to the United States western coast to invade that country.
North Korean president Kim Jong Un told the people of his nation that a new era has come upon them in which there will be "food for everyone, at all times.
Several of his top generals expressed confidence that the invasion would be successful. General Kim Nodong boasted that the fleet would deploy soldiers that would "lay waste to the imperialist homeland."
"We will invade California first," Nodong said. "We can take control of it easily because the California people have had all their weapons taken away and are sitting defenseless, like a ripe fruit that waits to be plucked."
North Korean soldiers were seen loading supplies onto the boat which will be used to carry out the invasion. Unconfirmed sources reported that the supplies consist of ammunition, foul weather gear and kimchi, a staple Korean food. However, an analyst specializing in North Korea was skeptical.
"There simply cannot be any food being loaded onto that boat. It would have been pilfered out of the supply chain long before it reached the boat. It's more likely that the supplies include fishing gear so that they can acquire food along the way," the unnamed analyst said.
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has a lot of business experience. He ran a lemonade stand when he was a child, and one of his childhood friends has come forward to tell about Mitt's early business experiences at the lemonade stand.
Jospeph Smith Jones, a current Florida resident, told StaggerOn.org about those early days of the Romney career.
"Mitt didn't build the lemonade stand," Smith said.
"It had been built by another boy, Ricky, a few years before. Ricky ran it all that time and his sister often helped him while he ran a paper route and was on the basketball team. So when Mitt bought the stand, it was already a thriving business."
"After he bought it, Mitt told Ricky he could still run it, and that he [Mitt] would only have an advisory role in how it was run. He told Ricky not to worry, that he as doing a great job with it already."
But that attitude toward the lemonade stand would soon change.
"One of the things that the lemonade stand had done was to build up goodwill in the town. Ricky was able to get lemons and sugar from the grocers on credit, and pay the bill later from the earnings. Mitt saw that, and started getting those supplies on credit, but would divert them to lemonade stands in other towns and sell them there, pocketing the cash."
"Mitt made other changes with the lemonade stand. During a heat wave, he instructed Ricky to add 5% more water to the recipe. Ricky was upset, since he had carefully found just the right amount to make great lemonade, but Mitt reassured him that it would be fine. So Ricky complied. People didn't seem to notice. Mitt got bolder as the heat wave continued, adding another 5% water, and kept adding it as time went on. After a few weeks there was 20% more water than the original recipe had required, but people didn't complain and business was steady."
Things would change soon, as the business took a turn for the worse.
"The grocers started getting concerned, as Mitt had run up a lot of credit for lemons and sugar to sell to other lemonade stands, but had not paid them back. They started tightening up on the credit they were willing to extend. Mitt instructed Ricky to quit using the 8 ounce glasses and start serving lemonade in 6 ounce glasses, while adding another 5% water to the recipe, but to keep the price the same. A few people complained, but not many, since the heat wave was severe and they were glad to have 6 ounces of a cold drink."
"Then things went really sour for the lemonade stand. Ricky had been paid for working at the stand for Mitt, but soon found that the grocers would demand cash for supplies, which he ended up paying out of his own pocket. He was essentially working for free at a lemonade stand that Mitt owned, while Mitt had diverted all those supplies for several months and the lemonade stand had never seen any of the money from that. It had all mysteriously vanished with Mitt, who offered no explanation."
Another factor would lead to the demise of the lemonade stand.
"The heat wave finally broke, and with cooler weather the demand for lemonade had evaporated. The customers finally realized how little lemonade they were getting, and that it was watered down too. None of the local people would buy lemonade from that stand again, and there was little traffic from out of town, so the business was effectively shut down. This left the grocers who had extended credit very angry. They tried to recover their money from Mitt, and had found a rude shock. When Mitt drew up the papers to buy the lemonade stand, it was carefully worded in legalese that he didn't actually own it, that he was merely a consultant. So he had no liability for the huge debt that had been run up, and was able to pocket all that money. Even as the lemonade stand went out of business, he did really well for himself."
The grocers were only able to revover a small amount of money from the sale of lumber and glassware that belonged to the lemonade stand, according to Jones.
Paramount Studios, the owner of the Star Trek franchise, has taken Apple Computer to court for theft of intellectual property in the design of the iPad.
Areel Shaw, a legal representative for Paramount, told StaggerOn.org that the computer giant copied the design of the iPad from information appliance technology presented in several Star Trek series since 1987.
"The creators of Star Trek developed these designs over 25 years ago, and Apple has come along and taken their creative work without permission or proper compensation to use for their own financial gain," said Ms. Shaw
The Star Trek device was known as a PADD, an acronym for Personal Access Display Device. It was an information technology device that could display images and data, record images and data, and had a touch interface to control the software. It was commonly used for reading and writing.
The PADD was used in all Star Trek series. The original PADD was rectangular and boxy, with a stylus being used for input. It was used in the original series that ran in the 1960s. With the Next Generation series that started in 1987, the PADD underwent some refinements and became the device that would later show up in the design of the Apple iPad.
Paramount maintains in their lawsuit that Apple did use that design as a template for the iPad without making arrangement for licensing and compensation to the original designers.
"Many of the PADD design elements are found to be copied on the Apple product, including rounded corners, flat touch screen and minimal button controls. It is abundantly clear that Apple designers studied the PADD very closely when they were designing the iPad, and Paramount is asking for a fair compensation as being the originators of that intellectual property, much as Apple does in their legal actions toward their imitators."
Apple maintains their innocence of copying. An attorney working on the case said that he can present a good defense showing that, "Any similarities between the PADD and the iPad are coincidental, and are the result of parallel development."
Since the sweeping success of 50 Shades of Grey in the ebook market, publishers have developed a new file format for porn that is displayed on ereaders.
Common ebook formats include the PDF, which is mostly used to display print documents on the desctop PC, epub, which is used for most ereaders, and mobi, which is the format used by the Kindle ereader platform.
While these formats have been adequate for delivering most ebooks to most platforms, porn has special requirements that are unique to the media that was not being addressed by existing formats. The porn industry alliance has introduced the new epube file format to deliver content to ereaders everywhere.
Rikki Cox, of the Erotic Literature Producers Alliance, announced the introduction of the new epube format in a statement on Tuesday.
"Until now, the special needs of the ebook porn consumer has not been addressed. What we have done here is developed a file format that meets these needs while delivering content with existing platforms."
"The epube format is open source and cross platform. This allows anyone to develop for it, and with proper extensions it can be read by most existing ereaders on the market in recent years."
One of the concerns of porn readers is privacy. The epube format has a special "snooper" feature that allows the reader to be instantly switched to appear to be a copy of titles such as "War and Peace" or "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" to the casual onlooker. When the threat is passed, the reader can be switched back to the desired content.
Amazon, Kobo and Barnes&Noble have not indicated if they will support the epube format in their stores, but the software developers of the format have indicated that the end user can enable their ereaders to be compatible with an easy software update.
Apple apparently is going after a whole new demographic: Middle-aged women. With its new OS X, codenamed Cougar, Apple is no longer just targeting young hipsters, granola munchers, sandal wearers, ponytail sporters or Prius drivers, they’re putting on an extra layer of makeup on OS X, donning their best black mini-dress, slipping on a pair of hot Prada pumps and hitting the town prowling for something a little exotic: MILFs (Moms I’d Like on Facebook).
The marketing team over at Apple will target a demographic that I personally have been targeting for years–from a purely marketing point-of-view, of course.
Apple developers issues a press release explaining that Apple makes products that are not only simple but elegant, which is perfect for the mature woman on the go. Additional features will make it suitable for an older generation of users, including a display that automatically compensates for presbyopia and diminishing hearing.
The rollout of OS X:Cougar will be in two stages, with an initial version in May, and a final version in December.
In recent years, disasters such as storms, fires, earthquakes and floods have caused internet outages and have cut the affected population off from their usual methods of communication with their peers.
Disaster officials have warned that internet outages could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years. Residents are bracing themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has developed some guidelines to help citizens cope with the loss of internet in a disaster, and published them in a booklet available in print and download.
Some of the guidelines are simple, such as going outside of a building and looking into the sky to see what the weather is going to be like in the immediate future. Others are more complex. Conducting social interactions without the use of the internet is described in the booklet.
FEMA advises: “Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Sports...the weather. Speak for a brief period of about 10 seconds, then be silent and listen as the next person speaks for about 10 seconds. Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.”
A celebrated scholar of the ancient near east has discovered that Sumerians, and possibly the Babylonians used pepper spray to subdue and maintain order among their population.
Rolf Furuli, professor of history at Awake University, has examined some recently unearthed clay tablets and found evidence that Sumerian military forces used pepper spray on the civilian population to maintain order.
One clay tablet in particular, known as BM 1914, described the formulation of a substance that was similar to pepper spray, and how it was put in urns with hoses to distribute it under pressure in the faces of people who were opposed to rule of officials in certain regions.
Furuli and several other unnamed researchers examined the tablets and pottery recently in preparation for an upcoming Ancient Near East symposium.
“All the lines of evidence, when taken together, indicate that Sumerians and other ancient people used an irritant spray to keep populations in subjugation”, Furuli said.
Finding a calculator with enough digits to perform simple math on the spending and stimulus packages coming from the Obama administration had been nearly impossible, until now.
Have you found yourself trying to visually quantify the amount of money being proposed and spent in Washington? The Obama administration takes no shame in using the term trillions where most Americans were shocked when the term billions were used in recent years.
Look around your home or office for a calculator with enough digits for a trillion dollars.
You'll find standard calculators from school or office supply stores with 8, 10, or 12 digits. A trillion dollars is $1,000,000,000,000 (12 zeros) and requires a 13 digit calculator.
The Obama Spendulus Calculator has 14 digits; enough digits for $99,999,999,999,999. That's one dollar short of 100 trillion dollars. The Obama Spendulus Calculator is a full featured calculator with large keys and an easy to read display. With 14 digits, it can handle the spending and stimulus packages coming from Washington.
The Santa Fe County Sheriff's office has unveiled a new policy for dealing with traffic violations.
Sheriff's spokesman Bud Gunn explained the new policy at a press conference.
"In the past, motorists had the option of pleading guilty and sending the fine in, or having a court appearance to have the judge find them guilty and pay the fine then. Our new policy will allow motorists to accept punishment for their violation at the scene of the offense, while reducing paperwork and the court backlog that has increased in recent years. We see this as a win-win solution for the motorists, our officers, and the court system."
Proponents of the ticket policy have described it as "revolutionary" and "brilliant". It is designed to allow a motorist to opt out of fines and tickets, with the court costs and time involved with that method of punishment. A motorist may accept punishment for their violation immediately after being pulled over, and no paperwork or record of their offense will be kept.
"It really streamlines my enforcement efforts," said deputy Duncan D'Nutz. "I can complete the transaction with the motorist within five minutes, and we can both go on our way with no paperwork involved. Most of us who are on patrol love this new policy," D'Nutz said.
Motorists can expect to see this option phased in over the next month as officers get training in the procedures involved, though there are several on patrol now that have the proper training in the new policy and can offer it as an option.
Some motorists have been critical of the new policy.
"I was pulled over for a DUI," said a woman who did not want to be identified. "I did not really like the punishment option that the officer offered to me, but when I considered the expense of a ticket, the fines, the court costs and time off from work, not to mention the increased insurance rates, well I figured I might as well go along with it and get it over with. So I did. It wasn't that great, but it went quickly enough and I got on my way."
Occupy Tijuana activists spent the fourth day in a row occupying the sidewalks in Tijuana, Mexico, with onlookers shouting approval as they passed by.
"I fully support what they are doing," local resident Diego Iglesia said as he observed the demonstration from a nearby farmacia.
"They are conducting themselves in an orderly manner while making their demands known to the public and to our officials," Iglesia said.
Police reported no trouble or incidents from the Occupy Tijuana participants. Occasional onlookers were observed pumping fists in a show of support, while passing motorists have honked horns, waved and cheered the Occupy participants.
A police spokesman denied reports that some officers were bribed with lap dances by the some of the demonstrators.
The Planet Krypton is about to be spectacular! In the next few months, Earth is catching up with Krypton in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Krypton may come this close is in 2287.
Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Krypton and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Krypton has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Krypton comes to within 34,649,589 miles (55,763,108 km) of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification Krypton will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.
Krypton will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10 p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Krypton will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Krypton grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.
Rumors that Krypton will explode have been unfounded. Kan-Lar, of the Kryptonian Science Council has reassured the people of Earth that the passage of his planet nearby will be safe.
"We have just been having an increase of quakes and other geological activity. This will subside eventually," the scientist said. "One member of our council has made claims otherwise, but Jor-El is just an alarmist. He is great scientist, but his thinking on this matter is misguided."
According to reports from several doctors in the midwest, WalMart has been dispensing pills to many of its employees.
"The company dispenses pills to employees in all regions, but this pill use is particularly heavy in the midwest," said a doctor who diagnosed some of the symptoms of the mystery medication.
"Some of the symptoms include a euphoric sensation, and an empathetic sense of belonging and well being."
An employee, wishing to be anonymous, described the medication as a "must-have, to get my job done."
"They give us these pills, and it just sort of helps us fit in. I feel like I am part of the team and the work day just sails by now. Things go smooth for you when you've had your Wal Mart pills," the woman said.
The wide distribution of the medication coincides with the reduction in frequency of employee absence and tardiness. But there's more. Fewer claims for workers compensation and fewer lawsuits over unsuitable working conditions have been filed in this same period.
A WalMart spokesman was contacted and refused to verify that the company medicates its employees.
"We do not share private details of any medical issues concerning our associates," said Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Director of Public Relations for the company.
The administration has announced that it will begin a campaign to combat the widespread use of jenkem among American youth.
Jenkem was originally used by street children in Zambia to obtain a "powerful high". In 2002, Project Concern International Zambia and Fountain of Hope released a report entitled "Rapid Assessment of Street Children In Zambia," where Jenkem is listed as the third most popular drug among Zambia's street children, following Dagga (cannabis) and "glue and Dagga" but ahead of "Ballan" (uncured tobacco) and petrol.
The raw materials are plentiful and freely available in the form of fecal matter from the open sewers of Zambia. This is then fermented in plastic bottles and the fumes are inhaled.
Initially jenkem was imported into the US, but domestic production began with the channeling of the Tijuana River outflow near San Diego, California.
Homeland Security and DEA have been given assets to combat the jenkem menace. This includes $75 million in funding, and 2300 National Guard troops.
"We are very serious about stamping out jenkem use among Americans, and among young people in particular," said Meredith Huff, of the Federal Narcotics Task Force.
Not all law enforcement authorities were enthusiastic about the War on Jenkem.
Leslie Honeywagon, sheriff of Kickapoo County, Arizona, was preparing to get involved in the campaign, and found there was a possible hitch in the plan.
"We were gearing up to get involved in this fight, but our legal department advised us that jenkem is not actually illegal, so we are going to stick with apprehending robbers, thieves and thugs."
Citing recurring problems with illegal immigration, the Obama administration has announced a new policy for handling repeat immigration offenders: deportation to Mars.
Beginning in March, any illegal immigrant found to be previously contacted by immigration agents will be deported to the fourth planet in the solar system.
"We have a problem here, with catching offenders and releasing them on the other side of the border, only to have them come right back again. This program has been designed to stop that flow of human trafficking while at the same time helping to colonize a new world," said immigration czar Tucker Barsoom.
The program includes air and equipment to make Mars habitable and enables settlers to farm and build living structures.
Human rights groups are opposed to the program. Justin Beeler of the Immigrant Advocacy Project called the program "deplorable".
"It takes people who have been caught in unfortunate circumstances and literally strands them on another world, far from family and familiar surroundings. It is deplorable," Beeler said.
Barsoom defended the program.
"Human rights end at the top of the Earth's atmosphere. We are still doing everything reasonable to accommodate these people and still address the problem created by their unauthorized movement across borders."
The Transportation Security Agency has announced that it has contracted for educational materials to be introduced to the nation's school children to educate them about the importance of security while traveling and going through airports.
TSA publicity director Joseph Mingle announced in a news conference recently that the materials would help children understand the importance of how his agency was keeping all of the traveling public safe as they moved about the nation.
"The course material is designed to put children at ease, so that they realize that the experiences they have with our agents are beneficial to them, " Mingle said.
"Usually children are taught that strangers touching them is 'bad touching' and they would be right. But in the context of keeping them safe from dangerous people, being touched in a personal way is actually good touching, since it helps keep them from harm."
Mingle refused to comment about a California man who recently warned TSA agents that "You touch my junk and I'm going to have you arrested."
In an effort to ease the impact of difficult economic conditions, the State of Texas has lowered it's fines and fees on it's citizens.
Beginning on the first day of December, traffic fines will be rolled back from 25 percent on some moving violations, to a 48 percent reduction on paperwork and administrative violations, while most other fines will decrease by 30 percent.
"We think this will be a shot in the arm for the staggering economy", said Javier Mordida, managing associate budget director for the Texas Office of Revenue Control.
"People will be able to use the additional funds to serve their needs the best, because frankly when they hand it over in fines we do not put the money to any productive use in a way that is beneficial to them", Mordida said.
Economic analysts vary in their projection of how much this fine and fee cut will help the average Texan. Most estimates place a figure of $833 annual savings for the average household budget, with a range from $619 to $1047 saved each year.
"It all depends on how well local agencies cooperate with this plan", one analyst said. "All it takes is one small town with an aggressive speed trap and high fines, and our numbers go out the window for predicting any savings at all."
The Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints, commonly known as the Mormons, has replaced the statues on all of their temples with a new statue that has the likeness of Glen Beck.
Church officials have been silent on the reason this change was made, and were not answering press inquiries about the matter.
Religious studies researcher Alwyn Jestacost explained to StaggerOn.org that the association of Glen Beck with the religion is beneficial to both parties.
"Glenn Beck is one of the people who draws a cult following, who will believe anything he says, even knowing he is not telling the truth", explained Jestacost.
"People who are drawn to him and his message will accept his choice of religion, even if it is one that they are usually antagonistic toward. That is the case with Mormonism. Many evengelicals are opposed to the Mormon church, considering it a cult. Yet, they are silent about it when heaping adoration on Mr. Beck. It is very likely that Mormon leaders recognize it, and are capitalizing on public acceptance of Beck to further their own interests".
Jestacost is skeptical that Beck has any deep conviction about Mormonism, but is merely using it as a marketing tool.
He explained, "The usual formula for exploiting a religious conversion goes something like this".
"Things were going really bad in my life; then I fell into a crisis of some kind; then I found [insert name of religion]; then I had a powerful emotion experience [insert tears]; then some really great things started to happen in my life that are a sign from God; and now things are wonderful for me and my family", and you have poster boy that is highly useful for marketing purposes. The more high profile the individual, the better this works.
The controversial radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, has announced she will be quitting her radio show and writing a new book this year.
Schlessinger, who came under fire for repeating a racial epithet while on the air, has decided that she has had enough of people criticizing her outspoken comments, and was going to start spending her time doing more writing and going on book signing tours.
Her spokeswoman, Marian Yenta, sent these comments to media outlets on Monday.
"Dr. Laura sees no point in addressing the minions of insignificant nobodies who pile onto her with criticism and campaigns to boycott her sponsors whenever they get their feelings hurt by a dose of hard reality that she dishes up. If they had anything meaningful to contribute to society they would be doing so, and not sitting by their radios with a note pad waiting for opportunities to be offended."
"She is entitled to her first amendment rights, and those are better found in the publishing enterprises she is involved in," Ms Yenta said.
Insiders with the radio program have confirmed this, with an anonymous source telling staggeron.org that, "Dr. Laura already has a manuscript well under way for her next book. She has given me drafts as each chapter is completed, and it looks like a winner."
Another source leaked the title of her new book, The Eleven Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.
A dictionary that offers a translation between the spoken language of Jesse Jackson and the English language will be available in bookstores within a few weeks.
Published by Buncombe Press, the dictionary is the product of nearly seven years of research by a small team of linguists. The linguists have studied thousands of hours of Jackson's talks and speeches, and compared them with the written draft where available, and the context of the subject matter he was speaking about when no transcript was available.
The publisher released some excerpts to the press which demonstrated the ability of the linguists to extract meaning from even the most obscure utterances my Mr. Jackson.
"Muff uggin bissn line bown bay be nown my nunta doowittit." translates to "The woman is being dishonest about the paternity of her child, which is not mine."
"I'm gunnin be soaggin your bangcount for you say rayssis thins boutin misfellow, somebiss." translates as "You called my client "nappy headed" and now you are going to pay, cracker."
Critics charge the the Jackson to English dictionary is a futile exercise.
"What is the point of it, really?", said Alexis DeCocoa of Street Hustling Investigation Team. "Even if Mr. Jackson spoke clearly in English, do we really have any proof he would be saying anything worthwhile?"
Buncombe Press dismissed the criticism and plans to move ahead with printing and distribution of the dictionary.
Nomad Probe Missing - Presumed Destroyed
Telemetry from the Nomad interstellar space probe has been lost while it was in the outer Kuiper belt, and it is presumed to be damaged beyond repair.
The probe, launched in 2002, was designed to detect life forms and record data for later retrieval at the conclusion of the mission.
It incorporated several advanced design features, such as a magnetohydrodynamic vernier-pulse propulsion system that made interstellar travel possible within decades, instead of centuries required by previous propulsion methods.
Nomad designer Jackson Roykirk held a briefing after 3 days of failed attempts to establish contact with the probe.
"I have consulted with the mission team, and after painstaking analysis of the last moments of telemetry data from Nomad, I must conclude that my baby is destroyed beyond repair," Roykirk said.
"One of the risks of traveling at such a high speed is the kinetic energy released from impact with an object. The final telemetry shows an unavoidable collision course with a Kuiper belt object, which likely destroyed Nomad on impact."
The news was devastating to many space exploration enthusiasts, who saw this as the first mission in over 20 years to capture the imagination of the public in the same way that the Apollo moon missions did.
Due to budget cutbacks, it is unlikely that another mission of this type will be authorized.
A Kansas woman considered to be a perfect '10' in that state has moved to California and become an '8' in that state.
Suzie Gayle moved to the community of Sunnydale last November and found out the hard way that her attractive looks were no longer a big deal in this state.
"I didn't realize it, but I was like a big fish in a small pond," Miss Gayle said.
"Boys and men back home would pay lots of attention to me and often ignore other girls because I was the best looking one they were likely to meet."
This all changed when Suzie moved to the seaside community to attend US Sunnydale for her studies in medieval history. She suddenly found herself unremarkable among women who were more attractive and gained more attention because of that.
"I get some attention from guys, because I do look hot. But I have learned to share that attention with girls that are hotter that I am, and it is a situation I have become okay with," Suzie told StaggerOn.org. "Things can get better, because I still have options of looking better by finding the right plastic surgeon."
Amid the stampede of women who have claimed to have had liasons with Tiger Woods, singer Susan Boyle has come forth with her own tale of romancing the golfer.
Friends close to Boyle say that she is devastated to learn the she is merely one woman among a virtual harem of partners.
"Susan has been very down about realizing she is not the only one, because she felt she really had a connection to Tiger," said an unnamed friend.
But Boyle, a singer who attained world prominence with her performance on a television contest, was more positive about the experience.
"These little trollops are merely dalliances for Tiger," said Boyle.
"There are times when he is out of town, gets lonely and my voice on the telephone can not substitute for the warmth of a body pressed against his, so he may arrange an encounter with some available tart, but his heart is always with me," according to Boyle.
Boyle went on to explain their relationship in greater detail.
"We met when he was golfing at St. Andrews and there was this amazing instant chemistry between us. It did not take long before we realized we had to make a physical expression of our deep attraction and love. He is the best lover I have ever had. In fact, he was my first, and the only lover I have known. Being embraced in the warmth of his personality, and body, and love is the greatest joy I have ever known."
Further details were provided about the locations and frequency of their meetings, gifts that were exchanged, and future plans.
"Tiger stays with Elin in a cold loveless marriage, and he does it for the children. He is truly a noble man," according to Boyle.
Tiger Woods was unavailable for comment on the details of this newly uncovered relationship.
The administration health services have announced their plan for H1N1 "swine flu" protection.
There is a chronic shortage of vaccine, according to a health service technician, so a back up plan is in place to provide a reasonable level of protection.
"In case of masks shortage for the H1N1, you can make your own mask for protection. These can be improvised from common everyday items that may be found in any department store"
These masks proved to be plentiful, according to an investigation by a StaggerOn.org reporter.
The health service technician verified the effectiveness of this plan.
"This will help reduce the risk of flu, and it is compatible with glasses.We do recommend that it is preferable to use materials that are new for these masks."
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, has been observed by several eyewitnesses casting spells in the congressional office building.
On one occasion she was seen transfiguring a congressional intern into a dragonfly.
"Nancy had this aide in her office with her, then she waved her wand and the poor girl was gone," a source said. "There was just a dragonfly hovering in the air where the girl had been standing.
There have been other occasions where Pelosi is alleged to have been casting spells. According to a former staff member who declined to be identified, Pelosi had a bourbon decanter in her office that was perpetually full, despite her dispensing drinks from it and never having it refilled.
"We were taking shots of bourbon, and it was pretty good stuff," the staffer recalled. "It seems we went through half of it. There were 5 of us and it went quickly. Nancy put the decanter on a shelf behind her, then made a strange gesture, like someone shooting a basketball behind their back. She smiled at us, stood up and retrieved the decanter. It was full."
Members of the opposition party attempted to confront Pelosi during the summer about using spells to gain a political advantage over their interests. Several witnessed have reported the same account of what happened next.
"She shrieked at them, 'Begone, you muggles!' and they vanished"
The "CASH FOR CODGERS" program has been finalized and will go into effect in October.
The plan is a result of public pressure and it works like this -- Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the opposition party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
Sources in Washington D.C. have reported that publisher and film maker Larry Flynt has been tapped to be the Obama administration's Porn Czar.
An unnamed staffer has disclosed that Flynt was chosen quickly and that no other names came up for consideration.
"We were asked to come up with a list of names for the position, and Mr. Flynt's [name] came up right away," the staffer said.
"After his name came up there was never any consideration of anyone else."
A highly placed cabinet level source confirmed the report.
"Flynt has a firm grasp of the business, legal and cultural issues involved with the production, distribution and accepance of high quality pornography for the American people. We saw no need to look further, once his name was put under consideration for the postition."
The source went on to explain that negotiations are under way with Flynt for the terms under which he will accept the offer. He also described several recent Flynt projects in great detail, making it evident that he had an intimate knowledge of Flynt's various publications and productions.
The International Coalition for the Environment (ICE) has named the unit to be used in measuring the carbon footprint.
The unit will be known as the 'Algore', in honor of the man who popularized concern over carbon consumption, Albert Gore Jr.
"Mr. Gore has been a leader in raising awareness of carbon consumption and the carbon footprint , so it is a fitting tribute to his fine work that the measurement unit be named after him", noted ICE spokeswoman Darlene Frosty.
The unit was calibrated to the amount of carbon the Gore household consumes in one year.
A typical American household consumes about .05 algore of carbon annually, while a family in sub Saharan Africa may consume as little as .007 algore in a year.
ICE will continue a program of outreach and education to train the public to comply with targets for reduction of carbon consumption.
A US Army vehicle worth $177,000 has vanished after being painted with a new camouflage stealth paint.
"We simply can not find it", said an unidentified Army private, "and we have looked for it just about everywhere.
The disappearance occurred recently after the vehicle had been coated with a newly developed stealth paint. Initially it was visible for nearly three hours, but as the paint started to cure is became more difficult to see in the optical spectrum.
"We are reviewing the paperwork on this", an Army technician noted.
"The vehicle was scheduled to be transferred to the fleet yard. We are trying to determine who may have taken it there and where they may have parked it. Right now its whereabouts are unknown and our documentation is not clarifying the situation much".
The Army and other branches of the military have been developing stealth technology as seen in the photo above.
The Pentagon is scheduled to be coated with the stealth paint in 2012.
Michelle Obama planted an organic garden which will not use pesticides or chemical fertilizers on the White House lawn, and chemical companies complained to the US Department of Agriculture. (USDA)
After an investigation, the USDA has fined the Obamas, citing a regulation concerning agricultural activity on federal land.
"We are making the fine to be an amount appropriate to the level of improper use of federal land for agricultural purposes of the kind cited in the original complaint, as substantiated in our investigation," said a USDA spokesman.
The Obamas plan to appeal the fine, although as a federal agency, the USDA has an administrative role outside the jurisdiction of the court system.
Martha "Ma" Kettle, spokeswoman for the first lady, said Mrs. Obama wanted to plant the garden to promote the eating of fruits and vegetables as part of a healthy diet.
The Denny's restaurant chain is offering a special breakfast deal in honor of the so called "Octo mom" in California.
Nadya Suleman, also known as Octomom in the media, is an American woman who came to international attention when she gave birth to octuplets in January 2009. Suleman, who was unemployed and on public assistance programs at the time, conceived the octuplets and her six older children via in-vitro fertilization (IVF).
A spokesman for the chain said they wished to honor Octomom, and mothers everywhere, in time for Mother's Day.
"Certainly any mother should be honored for their important role in the life of a child, and how much more so to have fourteen children. Denny's wishes to recognize this and provide a special deal to mothers in these challenging economic times," said the spokesman.
The "Octo-slam" breakfast offers 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Citing concern about the effect of carbon emissions on climate change, the French government has sought to reduce, and eventually eliminate carbon from food.
Several studies have found that the carbon dioxide exhaled by humans is caused by the high concentrations of carbon found in food. Research is underway to find foods with lower carbon, and promote the consumption of these foods over those with high carbon. Eventually even those foods will be phased out and entire servings of carbon free foods will be available.
French Carbon Minister Pierre Garcon said that France will lead the way in food free of carbon.
"We will not compromise the quality of French cuisine in our quest to remove carbon from food," Mr. Garcon said. "Every quality that makes food pleasant, the taste, texture, even the aroma will be there, but there will be no carbon."
Critics lambasted Garcon's claims.
"It tastes like cardboard," according to an anonymous bistro patron. "I wouldn't even slop hogs with this."
For decades, Japanese photographers have been observed with cameras, documenting American scenery and people.
"There was a busload of people on a tour from Nagoya, I think," said Myron Pitchblende, a docent at the Corn Syrup Museum in Davenport, Iowa.
"They were taking pictures of everything, from every possible angle. It was interesting to see such dedication to photography," Pitchblende said.
Most people assumed it was just a hobby. But on a recent trip to Japan, Alston Slapkirk found out what much of the photography is used for.
"I was in Osaka last month for business, and my party was meeting in an office building near an industrial area. There was a huge warehouse nearby, think aircraft hangar huge. I asked one of our hosts what was in there, and he said it was 'the model'."
What Slapkirk saw next would change the way he viewed photography.
"We got to go inside the building, and saw something spectacular. It was a scale model of the United States. The detail was amazing, I mean, they even had the Golden Gate bridge, Mount Rushmore, Everglades, Devil's Tower. Ordinary neighborhoods were duplicated, even my old place in Peoria where I grew up was there with the laundromat, church and tire store in the right places."
Slapkirk found out that the model was made possible by the thousands of Japanese tourists submitting their photos, and getting paid for them. The model builder, wishing to remain anonymous, has them mail the photos to him and issues payment when they are received. Payment varies a lot. Ordinary photos of places like Disney World may get the photographer the equivalent of $10. Rare photos, like some from the top of the Golden Gate bridge pier, netted $175. One intrepid tourist who documented the Corn Syrup Museum reportedly was paid $1914 for her comprehensive series of photos of the buildings and surrounding grounds.
Responding to several lawsuits alleging that Barak Obama was not legally born in the US, the Obama transition team has released a copy of his birth certificate.
"We feel this clears up any questions about the matter, and that the lawsuits are groundless attempts to keep America from moving forward to change," spokesman Chas Marwick told reporters at a luncheon.
American presidents are required by the US constitution to be natural born citizens of the US. Several lawsuits have been filed alleging that Obama was born in Kenya, Indonesia or elsewhere and is not legally qualified to be president.
One intrepid plaintiff took another strategy, contesting the legality of Hawaii legally being a US state, but that lawsuit has been dismissed. View the Birth Certificate
Ann Coulter, the political commentator, syndicated columnist and author has written an autobiographical book in which she denounces herself.
"I have one basic problem, from which everything on my life is based on," Coutler writes, "and that is that I have a deep and relentless self loathing. All of my attacks on others are a result of me externalizing and projecting my feelings about myself onto others."
On why she attacks liberals instead of conservatives, "Everyone has seen that the conservative message is a fraud, that they do not support smaller and less intrusive government, and have no idea what personal responsibility is about. I could never defend the indefensible festering raw sewage that conservatism really is. So I attack liberalism as a distraction. It is an easy target because face it, they do not fight back."
Ann even gives a candid look at her self image.
"I have this perception of myself as being fat. I know I can step on a scale and intellectually see I weigh 94 pounds. But I look in the mirror and see a huge cow of a woman. So I start resenting myself for the sole graham cracker I ate today and washed down with ginger ale. When it gets to be to much I slip away to the toilet and vomit it up, usually thinking of the image of my cottage cheese thighs."
"Being starved for attention, I should consider myself a success. I got lots of attention. But none of those people really know the real me. Some people have gotten to know me and the result is that my expiration date has long past and no man I have had a relationship with will marry me. It is all ashes."
Shameless: One Woman's Quest for Attention goes on sale in January.
For several years, the weapons of mass destruction purported to be in Iraq as a justification for the invasion and war have eluded investigators.
According to head weapons inspector Howard Finklebaum, "We have searched high, and we have searched low, and to date have found nothing in the way of weapons that would justify going to war."
That situation changed last week when a cache of weapons was discovered by president George Bush during a surprise inspection conducted by him and his personal security detail.
"These weapons are found everywhere in Iraq, literally under our very feet," Bush said.
"I was attacked by an evildoer who had one of these weapons, and he...uh...he was not quick enough so I was able to duck and not be injured. By the way, you should know that we will not compromise the free market in Iraq by taking these weapons from insurgents."
The removal of the weapons from all Iraqi civilians is being conducted by Blackwater and other private contractors, and is expected to last throughout 2009.
As banks collapse and fail throughout the US and the rest of the world, some are seeking help by government bailouts.
Such is the case with the First Sperm Bank of Balls Mills, Pennsylvania. This Lycoming County business has petitioned Congress for financial aid.
"This is the first case of this type of bank requesting federal assistance that I know of," said a source in a banking regulatory agency.
Spokesman Hank Spiller, in a statement emitted by the bank was more succinct.
"We need a quick injection of capital to stay viable. We are coming, hat in hand, before Congress to get this vital seed money so that we can continue to operate and service our community," Spiller said.
This segment of the banking industry has been hit particularly hard as their usual sources of assets have dried up during the economic downturn.
"We were actually doing very good until the third quarter, and then suddenly our suppliers went soft on us and we have been holding on tight to keep in operation," according to Spiller.
This is expected to be the first of several sperm banks that will be driven to seek outside aid to stay afloat.
Nationwide polls conducted in cemeteries in recent weeks have shown Barack Obama to be a clear front runner among the dead.
"We had expected Obama to lead, but we did not realize what a huge margin he would have," pollsters said.
C.T. Russell, who died on October 31st, 1916, and is buried in Rosemont United Cemetery in Pittsburgh, expressed a strong preference to vote for Obama.
"I feel, as do most of the departed souls I associate with, that Obama will do the best job of representing our interests," Russell explained.
Obama showed strong numbers, over 75%, in most states, with even higher numbers in the Midwest and New England states. In the Chicago area over 97% of dead voters expressed a preference for Obama.
West coast voters had lower numbers, around 62%, with a high percentage of non voters.
"It is likely that since cremation is prevalent in this region, voting presents a logistical problem for the dead and for poll workers," said San Diego County Registrar of Voters Deborah Seiler.
The United States has begun to sell nuclear weapons on the open international market.
The new policy appears to be part of an effort to provide relief from ongoing financial woes.
The historical policy has been to contain nuclear weapons and not allow them to proliferate among nations. The reversal indicates desperation on the part of the superpower nation.
"We don't really like the idea of rogue nations having these weapons, but these are desperate times, and what is a superpower to do?," lamented a source in the Defense Department.
"It's not like anyone actually uses these weapons. They are really just a deterrent."
The first nukes went on sale with a 2 for 1 special deal. They were quickly purchased by Cuba, Lesotho and the Czech Republic. Additional revenue was realized by an arrangement to allow corporate sponsors to put their logos on each weapon.
The Department of Homeland Security has unveiled a new battle suit to be used for its Urban Peacekeepers units.
The units, known as Security Troops Overseeing Regional Metropolis (STORM) will be dispatched in urban areas on October 31st. The suit has full climate and environmental control and also has two levels of armor. There is deflective array armor for energy weapons, and a layer of ablative armor to resist kinetic weapons.
An unnamed source in the Pentagon has confirmed that the suit is under consideration for military forces fighting the War on some Terror.
"We are looking closely at how it performs for Homeland Security forces and based on our evaluations we may choose to integrate it into the standard gear of selected units of the military."
Acceptance of the battle suit was not universal among troops.
"It binds and pinches my nutsack," lamented an anonymous trooper.
In a move designed to capture additional revenue, several US airlines have started refitting their aircraft toilets with coin operated locks.
Ebenezer Pennysworth, of Farwest Airlines, announced that use of the restroom on aircraft will no longer be free.
"In order to contain costs and remain competitive, we have decided to make use of the restroom be an optional extra service and it will be available for a fee."
Competing airlines were mostly in unison on this new policy, although Jet West did offer a concession to passengers.
"We will still allow passengers to use toilet paper and hand towels for free, unlike the other airlines," said Jet West spokesman Donald Keyhole.
Passenger representatives were not so happy.
Barney Head, of the Airline Passengers Organization (ALPO) said that most passengers would not be pleased.
"Passengers are already being asked to pay for services that were formerly part of the ticket price. Use of the restroom seems like it should be a basic service and available to all," Head said.
Passenger Myrna Lutvik expressed dismay.
"First they charge you for drinks, which is pretty bold in the first place. Now they want you to pay when you need to [urinate]. It looks like they get you coming and going."
The International Olympic Committee has announced that beginning in the 2008 games there will be two separate classes of competition.
Committee spokesman Kane Neuman explained the new development in the international games with an ancient history.
"We have been fooling ourself for too long, trying to catch athletes who use technology to cheat the games," Neuman said. "We were wrong. We should embrace it and put those people together on a level playing field to compete against each other, while also recognizing athletes who wish to use natural training methods."
"The Natural Olympic Games will be for athletes who do not use drugs, hormones, surgery or genetic alteration to improve their performance. It is the Olympic Games of your grandfather, his father and all those going back to classical times."
"Recognizing modern trends, the Enhanced Olympic Games will allow for any technological advance, and even encourage its promotion. We expect competitors to be genetically enhanced, perhaps use pharmaceutical products and even bring cybernetic augmentation into the competition to show us the best that technology can provide us."
Each class of Olympic competition will maintain its own separate records and issue separate medals and awards.
It is expected that this trend in athletics will expand in the sports world. The Tour de France organizers have also expressed interest in two similar classes of competition.
A new public-private partnership has been announced that would bring corporate data gathering abilities into cooperation with government data storage capacity.
Microsoft, WalMart, AT&T, and ExxonMobil have all signed on with the NSA and DHS to form a data gathering and sharing alliance. In the alliance the corporations will gather the data from transactions with their customers, and the government agencies will process it, looking for trends and any unusual flag or odd behavior on the organization and individual level.
According to an unnamed source, this improved level of intelligence has been made possible because of the development of breakthrough new software with the ability to do deep predictive analysis of the data. The software, called the Synaptic Neural Organization Oversight Program (SNOOP) can make accurate predictions of behavior on the individual level. It has been shown to predict whether someone will purchase apples or oranges to have as a snack.
Privacy advocates are concerned about the partnership. The Electronic Privacy Information Group issued a statement expressing concern, and suggested concerned citizens should not do business with any of the corporations involved. Attempts to interview a member of the group was not successful as they have an unpublished number.
Viagra comes out in liquid form
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Peter O'toole, spokesman for Pfizer, told reporters at a news conference about the breakthrough.
"Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink', Mr. O'toole said.
"Our partnership with Pepsi will enable us to distribute this over the counter, making it available more widely than the prescription business model has done."
Pfizer executives hope this new product will lift up sagging sales of Viagra.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.
Greek Eyesore to be Removed
Athens, Greece - In a 5 - 2 vote, the city council in Europe's oldest democracy voted to have the oldest surviving area of the city cleaned up and redeveloped.
Mayor Dora Bakoyannis has pledged to lead the program, which includes cleaning all of the rubble from the Acropolis, and building a modern community anchored by a retail center.
"We have declared the Acropolis a 'blighted area' and that means we get immediate funding and can go forward with cleaning the community up," said a source on the city council staff.
"There are already firm commitments from retailers to build on the new site. Starbucks has already deposited funds to help with cleanup, and the musician Yanni has signed a contract to reserve space for a music studio and school."
Critics have protested the plan, saying that the Acropolis lends a valuable cultural resource to the area.
"That is absolute nonsense," Mayor Bakoyannis said. "The area is blighted and we can extract very little value from it in its present condition. The business model we have developed maximizes the value of the property. These people must let go of the past and move on."
The books and television series created by Laura Ingalls Wilder will be seen on the big.screen next year and has started production in Texas.
Dubbed Little House on the Prairie: The Prophetic Years, the film is under tight security as a cast is assembled and sets are being built. A StaggerOn correspondent was able to obtain some photos and a rough outline of the story.
"Pa Ingalls shelters a small band of Mormons in a winter storm, and is converted to Mormonism," said an unnamed source.
"I have seen the second draft of the script, and while I do not want to disclose too much, I can say that the film explores the psychosocial dimensions as Pa obtains wives from a nearby town, how the sister wives relate to each other, and how it sets up conflict with his children born previous to his foray into the Mormon lifestyle."
Critics of the proposed film were not so kind.
Trudy Goodshoes, of the People for a Perfect World said that the project should be shelved before it even starts.
"This film will merely glorify and put a good face on a marital arrangement that subjects women and girls to a high potential for abuse," Ms. Goodshoes said.
"Ms. Wilder was an advocate for women's rights, and I know she would be shocked and outraged if she knew her name was associated with a travesty such as this."
The African nation of Machaca has been repossessed by Citibank for failing to make payments on outstanding debts, according to the nation's leader.
President Hakuna Matata spoke from his estate about the difficult conditions in his tiny nation.
"The bank, they tricked us and took advantage of such honest peoples we are," Matata said as he spoke to reporters on his private golf course.
"We are a poor nation and for them to take away what little we had is an abomination."
As President Matata spoke, Citibank has dispatched private contractors from the Ravenwood security firm to dismantle and repossess assets in Machaca. Ravenwood personnel were seen removing solar panels and building materials from schools and hospitals in the countryside.
International Monetary Fund analysts said that this nation, with a per capita income of under $120, was the first one on record of having debts that exceeded total national assets. Since Citibank holds all of the notes, then it can rightfully foreclose on a debtor that is in default.
The funds were supposed to develop infrastructure so that the nation would have economic viability, but most of them were deposited in holding accounts and slowly vanished without leaving a trail of how they were spent, With the entire nation put up as collateral, Citibank now owns it, and is responsible for running it.
"Our partnership with Ravenwood will be valuable in managing the entire nation of Machaca," said a Citibank source. "Their experience with pacifying regions in Iraq has given them a workable model for managing Machaca."
Shortly after Citibank took possession of Machaca, President Matata fled to his 13,000 acre estate in Paraguay, where he has been hunting ducks on his private game reserve.
In her highly contested bid to win the Democratic party nomination for president of the USA, Hillary Clinton has announced her support for a stimulus package to be initiated as soon as she takes office.
Details of the plan have not been entirely released, although a preliminary outline has been discussed in focus groups.
"I have listened to the people of America," Mrs. Clinton said, "and I have heard about your struggles and hardships, and I plan to do something about it."
The general outline of the plan is for a stimulus package to be sent to most American households. This includes all households below $150,000 in income, which will literally see a package delivered to their door with the stimulus inside. Households with higher income may not receive a package, although it is not clear what the cutoff income will be.
Mrs. Clinton suggested that not all Americans will receive a stimulus package.
"People with higher incomes have plenty of resources," Clinton said, "and they will just have to stimulate themselves."
The government issued a warning about swallowing chewing gum today, after several hundred citizens were treated for the effects of swallowed gum in recent weeks.
Health and Human Services spokeshole Marina Chicle issued this statements in a press conference:
"We are aware of the problem with chewing gum lodging in the digestive tract and trapping digestive material and gasses. While this has not ever proven fatal, it has been a source of discomfort and embarrassment for its unfortunate victims. We have developed a treatment involving vigorous exercise that can remedy the suffering caused by this, but our first and foremost line of defense is to warn all citizens to not swallow their chewing gum.
Last week a woman in El Paso had eaten a breakfast burrito after chewing and swallowing gum the night before. She attended church and while listening to the sermon was struck with flatulence. When combined with the gum that had passed through her digestive tract, she was trapped in place for 45 minutes before being freed.
A witness reported that it was not necessary to call emergency services, "It took a while but the Rector was able to dislodge her from her pew."
President George W Bush signed a bill giving relief to hundreds of thousands of distressed mortgage holders.
"I want you to know that this administration understands the struggle people is making to pay for their homes," the president said in a signing ceremony.
The new law takes effect at the beginning of the year and has provisions for people who have been put into financial stress by a large jump in their payments caused by an increase in interest rates.
Under the new law interest rates may only move upward by less than three percentage points per year, with a cap on increased payments at a 33% increase. Many mortgage payments have nearly doubled in the last year.
Not every distressed homeowner will be eligible for the protection of this law.
"In order for us to protect you, you must have kept current with your payments and not fallen behind," the president explained.
"You must file a monthly budget with the federal housing agency, and your last name must end with a 'Z'"
Next time the Jehovah's Witnesses show up at your door they may have the means to get you to comply.
The Watchtower Society has just unveiled its new weapon in the War on Apostates'
The "Jehovahnator" made its debut at the organization's corporate headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.
"Coming into this last span of time before Armageddon, we need to step up our outreach to the public," said governing board member Aleister C. Russell.
"By automating our field operations we have a tremendous multiplier for our efforts to bring people in to the New System."
The Jehovahnator will do precisely that. It will perform the normal door-to-door ministry that the organization is famous for, with a modern update. It carries an "e-briefcase" that prints needed literature on demand. Through wireless connectivity, the literature is constantly updated in real time with the newest changes in doctrine.
"We will never disseminate old doctrine again," said Russell.
The Nobel Prize comittee has awarded the year's Peace Prize to Nancy Leider.
"We were unanimous in our selection of Ms. Leider for this prize;" said one member of the selection panel. "She has saved the population of the Earth from inestimable harm."
Nancy Leider operates the Zetatalk and Troubled Times web sites, and has tirelessly warned the public of impending disasters, such as the narrowly missed Planet X flyby.
"That a middle aged woman with a high school degree, who does not even know which end of a telescope to look into, could pinpoint the RA and Dec of the brown dwarf, Planet X, is astonishing, and speaks to the validity of ZetaTalk," said Ms. Leider's spokeswoman Carlotta Hazelwood.
"The world owes her such an enormous debt of gratitude, and a Nobel Peace prize is a good place to start."
The Canadian treasury has released a newly designed currency in the effort to fight global tarrorism.
Many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen, which has caused them to resort to counterfeiting in order to obtain funding.
The Canadian treasury has decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Islamists from even touching it.
"We consulted several experts on radical Islamic beliefs and found that by printing forbidden images on our currency it will assure that these people will not handle it or have anything to do with it," said treasury spokesman Mustafa Al Sadr.
"These troublemakers will have to find some other currency, perhaps the American Dollar which is becoming more worthless each day, to exploit for their agenda."
It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism.
Gusev Crater , MARS - According to NASA officials, the Spirit rover has sent back pictures of a stunning new discovery on Mars.
The rover crested a small hill, and on the other side made a discovery of native Martians engaged in a tribal ritual or ceremony..
"This is totally unexpected, and we were not fully prepared for what we have found," said NASA spokewoman Charlene Darwin.
"This is primarily a geology mission, so we were mostly looking at rocks. However, the Pancam is versatile enough to take in the whole landscape and whatever we may find," Darwin explained.
The Pancan is the high resolution color camera used to take most of the landscape photographs.
The newest photograph shows humanoid beings together in a kind of dance, centered on a larger humanoid figure. Anthropologists are trying to determine if it is some sort of worship, ritual or festivity.
Richard Hoagland, a proponent of Martian civilization theories has released a statement in which he feels vindicated for his controversial theories.
"I have been trying to instill this idea in the public, that we are not alone in this solar system, " said Hoagland. "We have never been alone, and the hyperdimensional implications of this and what is just around the corner in our future is staggering."
Bentonville, AR - Wal-Mart has quietly started implanting microchips in the brains of employees.
Associate Relations director Myrna Turtletaub defended this practice when asked about it at a press conference.
"There are many benefits for both the associate and Wal-Mart," said Turtletaub.
"Associates are spared time consuming and sometimes frustrating training sessions because we can now quickly download any training, instructions and attitudes they need to function as a happy and productive associate," Turtletaub explained.
"We also totally eliminate the problem of associates who waste time and productivity by loafing or making personal phone calls while on the clock. Inventory shrinkage is also now a thing of the past. An added benefit is that we can track the location of associates and summon them to parts of the store where there is the most need at any particular moment."
The brain chip is voluntary. Associates who volunteer are given a weekly bonus from the increased earnings. Associates who decline the chip are deemed to be less productive and their hours are cut back to 10 or fewer per week.
President George W Bush has nominated a new Surgeon General for the United States.
Dr. Ichabod Trask of Stumpwater, Georgia has been names as the newest nominee for the chief medical officer in the US.
Dr. Trask has nearly 50 years experience practicing medicine in rural Georgia, and has pioneered several medical practices.
" The Doctor has really been innovative, " said Martha Gilley, of Cornpone Hollow. "He was the first doctor in this area to treat warts with leeches, instead of chicken manure salve like the other doctors use."
Despite his accolades, Dr. Trask is not without controversy.
"This doctor is an abomination," said Nancy Pulliam, of the National Organization for Women. "He has favored not allowing unmarried women to have birth control, citing religious reasons for the ban."
If Dr. Trask makes it through the tough Senate grilling to assume the position, he plans to close his long time business on route 23, Trask's General Practice, Veterinary Services and Fireworks Stand.
In the wake of releasing the iPhone, Apple Corporation has introduced yet another consumer appliance, a vacuum cleaner.
The iSuck will go on sale in two weeks.
Alden Castenberry, Apple vice president of product development, said that the iSuck is an innovative way to clean a living space.
"This is no ordinary vacuum," Castenberry said. "It has programming for cleaning different floor textures. It also has an innovative extensible hose that can reach around in 3-D and adapt to clean anything it can reach."
The iSuck also has unique styling that Apple is known for, and resonates with the public.
"I think it's cute," said four-year old Lindsay Broadnax.
The recent arrest of Albert "Trey" Gore III for driving his Prius at 100 MPH while trafficing drugs has a new twist.
"I was preparing for a movie role," Mr. Gore said.
Gore claimed that he was in talks with a movie studio to star in a biopic about Ed Begley, Jr., and that while practicing the role things got out of hand.
"I was like, you know, happy when my dad became a movie star, and like, it must be in the family blood you know. Gore said.
Gore was unable to provide details about which studio or production company was hiring him for the project, now would he tell the name of his agent.
"They told me to keep it a secret, you know, so like, other studios won't steal the isea."
The Fox network has announced that it will air a new "reality" program that involves contestants competing for an organ transplant to save their lives.
The program, with the working title "Who Wants an Organ Transplant?," will feature a terminally ill woman who will select from 9 contestants with matching tissue types to determine who gets her organs to save their life. Losing contestants may succumb to their illnesses without winning the organs. This has critics upset with their attempt to get ratings.
"Not so fast," says Tim Cobb, of the Quality Signal Programming Association, "Fox has a history of putting sensational so-called reality shows on and rejecting well written quality programs that people love to watch."
Cobb is not the only critic. Joss Reynolds, of Ethical Medicine Working Group, blasted the idea.
"It goes way beyond crass," Reynolds said. "The idea of pitting these people against each other to win the favor of the donor, with the expectations that the losers will have to crawl off somewhere and die is a new low, even for Fox."
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard the US aircraft carrier Enterprise in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
He was then given a speedy sendoff by the crew of the Enterprise, which was documented by a photographer at the scene.
The photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
Firefox displays new logo
The Mozilla Project has just updated their logo along with the release of the newest version of their Firefox browser. All future versions of the browser will feature the new logo.
Yuma, AZ - Thousands of American senior citizens have been moving to Mexico, only to sneak back illegally in a scheme to collect benefits.
Seniors such as Ron (not his real name) have fallen through the cracks of the Medicare system and other retirement programs, and have desperately tried to find a solution. This has led them in a journey across the southern US border.
"We couldn't make ends meet," Ron said, "we were cutting corners and trimming back our expenses as much as we could."
"The last straw was when we could not get Medicare Part D. We didn't know what we were going to do. But then we realized there were millions of people who had figured out how to survive in America and were doing quite well. We dicided to do what they were doing. My wife and I moved across the border for a week, then crossed back in as illegal aliens. We bought fake identification, and it cost less than $200. Now we get everything we need, no questions asked."
There is a positive side to his sojourn in Mexico, Ron tells us.
"There is the best fish tacos in the world," he says, "in Ojos Negros, at a roadside taco stand. Just perfect!"
Boston, MA- Several American cities were brought to a standstill by suspected terror weapons which proved to be a hoax.
An electronic childs toy from the 1980's known as the Speak and Spell was the cause of panic and pandemonium in Boston, MA, Portland, OR, Stockton, CA, and Peoria, IL.
"We got a report of a suspected bomb attached to a bridge," said Haskell Owens of the Peopia SWAT team.
"When we got on the location it was there and our robot got in close to it. It was speaking 'Death to America'and 'Allah is great'."
"We blew it up," Mr. Owens reported.
Another Speak and Spell, pictured here at the base of Portland's Fremont Bridge, was also reported to be speaking anti American and pro Islamist phrases.
New Fuel Source Developed
Jalisco, Mexico- A Mexican company has developed a new fuel source derived from organic material of nearly any kind, whichcould decrease reliance on petroleum.
The fuel is is produced by using a specially developed technique to extract it. Proprietary Organic Osmosis Technology (POOT) gas can be compressed, stored and easily transported to where it is needed. While any organic matter can be used as feed stock, some materials are optimal for producing higher yields.
"We are very excited when we saw the results obtained from using certain legumes," noted one of the inventors of the process.
American officials are very excited about POOT gas.
"We plan on acquiring the technology to produce POOT gas in our next round of agreements with Mexican officials," said an administration source. "This could be another step along the way to our goal towards energy independence."
Havana, Cuba - The Deputy Foreign Minister of Cuba recently announced that President Fidel Castro is in great health and ready to lead the island nation.
"Our Leader of the Revolution is in excellent health, and will be stepping up to his rightful place of leadership any day now," said Deputy Foreign Minister Ernesto Flaco.
"He has been active in his favorite pastimes, including baseball and horseback riding," Flaco said.
Cuban experts in the Bush administration expressed doubt about Castro's health, however Flaco's claims seem to be confirmed in these photographs provided by Reuters News Agency photographer Adnan Hajj.
Washington, DC - President George Bush voiced support for faith based organizations recently as he toured a religious compound in rural Idaho.
His visit, pictured here, to the Assemblies of Yahweh compound was a backdrop for his announcing support for faith based organizations that wished to mitigate social issues.
"I was very impressed by these folks," Mr. Bush said.
"They are wondeful people who were very nice to me and showed how they can be in partnership with, uhhh, they are really on fire for the Lord."
Mr. Bush also expressed a desire to work more closely with these groups on the federal level.
"My administration will work closely with these folks. We support the same goals and ideas. By the way, ideas are good things to have," Bush said.
La Jolla, CA - Barbra Streisand was recently ejected from a movie theater for sneaking food hidden in her blouse into the establishment .
The incident occured at the Landmark Theatre La Jolla Village Cinema in La Jolla, a community north of San Diego.
Ms. Streisand was seen by an usher to remove a flapjack from the inside of her blouse and start chewing on it. She is seen in this photo being escorted out with the flapjacks still hidden in her blouse.
"It is definitely a policy of our theater chain that patrons do not take in food from outside, and when they do we ask them to leave," said Mindi Frye, a manager at the theater.
"Nearly 30% of our income comes from concession stand sales, and it would hurt our business model if we allowed outside food to be brought in."
Ms. Streisand was reportedly attending a screening of The Departed.
Black Rock City, NV - Despite a half decade of being sought for the 9/11 hijack bombings, Osama Bin Laden is still at large. Recent sightings of Bin Laden in this Nevada festival indicate he is much closer than anyone thought.
"This is proposterous," fumed representative Nancy Pelosi. (D-CA) "We have spent billions of dollars in pursuit of this man, and here he is literally in our backyards."
Bin Laden was initialy sighted by a Burning Man participant, known as a burner, at the Brazen Goddess theme camp.
"It was early evening, and he had a couple glow sticks poking out of his turban, like devil horns," reported Moloch Tessarect, a festival participant. "I wasn't sure it was him at first, but a few of his number two guys were there with him and sure enough it was him."
"I went to the Black Rock Rangers to get him, and they are like, you know 'we will get one of our volunteers to get him' but they never showed up."
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff vowed, "We are going to get this guy. There might be thousands of places in that vast desert he might hide, but we will get him."
Irving, TX - In a suprise move Exxon Mobile announced it is outsourcing the position of company CEO.
"We have outsourced many positions in the past and find it to be an effective way to contain costs," said an unnamed company source.
"It will be the next wave in companies that want to streamline their expenses, so outsource executive positions. And believe me, executives have a tradition of being very expensive. But no longer."
The new CEO, Rutajit Srinivasan, resides in a village near Bangalore, India. Mr. Srinivasan has held positions in Indian energy and telecommunications industries.
A dedicated digital line has been installed to the village and will be used for teleconferencing and virtual meeting. It is estimated that annual expenses for maintaining this CEO will be $37,000. This is a substantial savings from the $400 million it costs to maintain the previous CEO.
Peoria, IL - After Secretary of Transportation Norman Y. Mineta jumped ship from the agency he was replaced by his deputy, Maria Cino.
In an effort to establish the Bush legacy and show his meaningful impact on the American motorist, Ms. Cino has unveiled a new interstate highway sign at a press conference in Peoria.
"We are proud of what our President has done to ease crowding on American highways," said Ms. Cino.
"Many motorists can not afford fuel any longer and are no longer clogging our highways. Now we have decreased pressure to spend on new construction, while still maintaining high revenues."
The Transportation Department is in Peoria all week negotiating deals with Ukranian, Polish and Yemeni firms to sell them American highway infrastructure.
This Illinois city is famous for the interstate highways that pass through the area, which were mistakenly built with the concrete slabs upside down.
Houston, TX - NASA scientists have announced that Pluto is no longer welcome as a planet in the solar system, and that plans are underway to eject the celestial body.
"We will attach boosters onto the mass formerly known as a planet, and send it on a trajectory out of the Solar System, most likely to the Hades Cluster," announced Andy Tombaugh of NASA.
"Our view is that if Pluto does not have what it takes to be a planet, it does not deserve to be one of our neighbors," Mr. Tombaugh said.
The question remains, will the U.S. shoulder the cost of this project alone?
So far, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been unable to secure commitment from other nations for helping to fund the estimated $113 billion project.
Washington, DC - Following on the heels of an aborted terror incident, Homeland Security Department head Michael Chertoff has announced tighter security measures for American citizens on domestic flights.
"We will spare no effort or expense to enforce compliance with our new guidelines, which will ensure a safer, better world," Chertoff said.
The new procedures were implemented at 4 am. local time under the watchful eyes of armed guards.
Passengers were directed to line up, and were then led to a secure area where they were ordered to disrobe. After they were all disrobed, a security detail moved about the crowd shaving off their hair and injecting the new "SafePass" microchip into each passenger. The chip insures that the passenger has been screened and determined to be harmless to society, and is therefore free to travel.
Other measures included the confiscation of all liquids, gels and pastes. Passengers were permitted to put these items in checked baggage, but forbidden from carry on baggage, which must now all be in clear containers.
"I feel safer already," said passenger Bonnie Sue McGillicuddy as she put her clothing back on. "I am so glad that our Leader is taking such a strong stand against those bad terrorists so that we can feel safe once again."
Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore has been touring the world and making presentations of an impending global pole shift.
"The world is in a greater danger now than ever before," Mr. Gore said, "and the time for us to take action is drawing short".
"Any time between now and the year 2012 the earth will shift on its axis, causing massive flooding, worldwide suffering and death."
Mr. Gore also urged action on the part of his audiences, including massive migration of humans from one continent to another to shift the load on the earth and bring it back into balance.
"This truth might be inconvenient, but future generations are counting on us to take action now," he insisted, "and much better to relocate your home now than for your children and grandchildren to lose theirs in the future".
Mr. Gore has also been promoting his newest book, Earth Coming Unbalanced.
Canadians call for increased border patrols
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free- range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
" We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.
Mexico City - In the North American capital it was announced that the United States Dollar would be retired from circulation and replaced with a new currency, dubbed the "Amero".
Pictured below, the currency will be phased in over time, much as the Euro was, with a cutoff date for its full implementation in 2010.
"There is no need to be alarmed," a treasury source said. "If you find some dollars in the mattress after that date you can still exchange them for Ameros at a fair market rate. You just won't be able to spend them on the open market."
Following on the unexpected success of last years film, Brokeback Mountain, director Ang Lee is working with a new cast to make a sequel to the film.
Brokeback Mountain 2: The Fur Traders is currently in production at an undisclosed location.
"We have a great script that shows as much sensitivity to the subject matter as seen in the first movie," Lee said.
"We also were able to get top quality talent to star in this production. The studio called me on the carpet for the salary expenses, but when they saw the line up of talent and what we were setting out to do with this story, they signed off on everything we had in mind."
Starring in this second installment of the Brokeback series, Jessica Alba is a young woman from the wrong side of the tracks who is introduced to the great outdoors by a more seasoned Halle Berry.
The story follows their relationship, and the relationships of three other couples who work in the mountains, mostly trapping beaver and catching fish.
Although not confirmed at this time, there are reports that Rosie O'Donnell is underwriting filming costs and taking a hands on approach to producing the film.
San Diego, CA - A San Diego Padre baseball player has been infected with a rare skin condition, but will continue to play for the team.
Richard "Rocky" Acosta, has a skin malady that causes him to sprout hair all over his body during a full moon. Sources inside the Padre organization say that Acosta contacted the disease during a trip to the infamous "Zona Rosa" in Tijuana.
"Poor dude, he just went down there to T.J. for a fun weekend, and now he gets struck with this," an anonymous teammate said.
"He's going to keep playing for the team though. We don't have many games scheduled during a full moon, but even if we did he could still play. Rocky can really fetch a ball when this thing takes over him."
Padre team management refused to comment on Acosta's condition, and did not return calls or emails.
Several hundred people have been rioting across the U.S. as news of a Bush cartoon traveled across the land.
"We are deeply offended at this assault on our leader and the American way of life," an apoplectic Bill O'Reilly said on his Fox television show. "How dare StaggerOn.org publish this affront to a great man."
"We know where their offices are, and we can make life very uncomfortable for the vile men who did this," O'Reilly continued, "they have no place to hide."
In Peoria Illinois, people took to the streets. Several businesses on Sheridan Road were burned and angry citizens overturned automobiles. Outraged residents gathered StaggerOn.org t-shirts and gear to burn on a bonfire.
"They just have no respect for us and our national symbols," complained Wilber Cornfed, a local wardman. "First they insult our faith and our national leaders, where does it end?"
StaggerOn.org editors responded quickly.
"We do not back down to anyone, ever. End of discussion."
National Gaurd troops were deployed in several states, mostly in the midwest and south. The violence is expected to die down by the end of the week, and a spring sale at WalMart is likely to soothe tensions further.
President George Bush ceded California over to Mexico today in a meeting with Mexican President Vicente Fox.
"This is groundbreaking history, by the way," Bush said. "It is the first time that we, uh, you know we are doing good by our neighbors to the south."
History professor Howard Zinn confirmed the historical precedent.
"It is the first time that the United States ever willingly let a state be removed from the federal union," Zinn said.
Co-president Dick Cheney was even more excited.
"We are now freed from the task of defending California. It is Mexico's problem now to defend its new territory. Those bastards are a blue state anyway, they have it coming. Now we can focus more of our assets on the global war on terror, and mop up the last enemies in the war on drugs," Cheney said.
Area students were also excited about this new development. Schools were closed as students held rallies celebrating the reconquest of California by proudly flying the Mexican flag.
NEW ORLEANS - Is it an early attempt to get attention for a presidential campaign? Perhaps it is a mid life sowing of wild oats. Whatever the reason, Senator Hillary Clinton was seen at the New Orleans Mardi Gras festival in a mood for celebration.
"She came out on the balcony, stood there watching the crowds and waved a few times," said Marcie Gower, of Topeka, Kansas.
But before long Ms. Clinton was in full party mode.
According to Chuck Aspen, a waiter at a local eatery, "I was watching a few people on the balcony at the corner near here."
"There was a crowd forming and I thought it was another chick ready to flash so I looked closely. Then I realized 'My God, that's Hillary Clinton'."
It didn't take long for the crowd to get a big payoff.
"The crowd was chanting 'Show your tits, show your tits!' to Hillary," said Shannon Faulkner, who did not disclose her hometown.
"Next thing I saw, she lifted her coat and flashed those flesh puppies!"
Recently, after getting tired of Bush's and Rice's public statements regarding uncertainty Osama was still alive, the White House received a secret, hand written letter from Osama himself. An unnamed spokesman confirmed this.
"Bush did get a personal letter from bin Laden. It arrived in an unmarked envelope and only contained a single line coded message: '370HSSV-0773H'."
Several agencies, including the NSA, FBI, CIA, and top military specialists spent considerable effort trying to decode the message without success. Eventually a low level intern at the Pentagon suggested they turn to the British MI-6, who have many more years of experience in the Middle-East.
Within only a few minutes, the MI-6 cabled the White House with the message, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"
Timeline of events after shooting incident
February 2006: Dick Cheney shoots Austin attorney Harry Whittington in a hunting accident. He keeps the incident hushed up. They continue to hunt together for several months.
July 2006: Cheney arranges for Whittington to get a job at the Pentagon.
November 2007: A White House staffer, Melinda Trapp, notices someone staggering out of a meeting room used by Cheney, with apparent gunshot wounds.
March 2008: Whittington gets a subpoena to testify in a case where Cheney is alleged to have shot someone in 2002.
April 2008: The story of the shooting breaks on internet sleaze rag StaggerOn.org and is picked up by all other media in a feeding frenzy. As the scandal erupts, Cheney denies the incident. The story builds momentum and Cheney repeats his denial on national television. Wagging his finger at the public, he insists, "I did not shoot that lawyer......Mr. Whittington."
May 2008: Lynne Cheney cries on television, insists that a "vast right-wing conspiracy" is behind the charges against her husband. A Portland, Oregon man alleges he hunted with Whittington for five-years, and his lawyer promises to turn over documents and items to investigators.
Summer 2008: The story continues with investigations, charges, counter charges and lots of press blather. November 2008: Cheney wins presidential election.
December 2008: FBI tests Whittington's jacket, finds gunpowder residue from Cheney's weapon. Cheney testifies before a grand jury, and on national television admits to the public that he engaged in "inappropriate gun play" while hunting with Mr. Whittington.
Bush Stamp Unveiled
Osama bin Laden has announced the start of his Book of the Month Club.
"I have always been a strong supporter of literacy, especially Koran reading," bin Laden said. "Now I can recommend specific titles that I find meaningful."
His first book recommendation is "Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower," by William Blum and published in 2000.
Asked about books to be listed in future months, bin Laden replied, "Anything by Michael Moore, in fact next month we will pick "Stupid White Men" which is my favorite title by him."
"Further recommendations will include several Noam Chomsky titles, but most importantly, keep diligently reading the Koran."
An emergency procedure was planned for this week to use George Bush's brain to jumpstart the brain of Israeli leader Ariel Sharon.
"Their brainwaves are remarkably similar," said doctor Yuval Peretz of Tel Aviv hospital. "We can hook them up and amplify the Bush EEG, thus boosting the Sharon brain into a start position."
But not all medical specialist contacted agreed with this prognosis. "You are looking at the possibility of just the opposite happening," doctor Shaul Putz of Hadassah University Hospital. "The procedure could lead to a backflow, pulling Bush's brain into the same state that Sharon is experiencing."
This option, should it occur, is known as the dual state solution.
One mystery that has had us baffled for quite a while concerns the origins of Ann Coulter. Sure, she has an official bio and backstory, but the problem is that we can find no one to come forward and admit something like, "Oh yeah, we went to law school together and she was a very intense scholarly girl back then," or any such account. We got nothing.
Taking a different approach, we did some deep research and came across something that shows some promise. Back in 1943, the so called Golden Age of comics, there was a superhero called Liberty Belle. During that era America was fully engaged in the second global war, and many comic book characters of the time had a patriotic theme. Ms. Belle never rated her own comic, but appeared in Star Spangled comics for 49 consecutive stories. This was a run that lasted until 1947.
Now we got to thinking, what if someone like Liberty Belle was lifted off the pages and brought to life, to kick ass in the crazed ferret manner that Ms. Coulter is (in)famous for? The profile fits, tighter than a Separated at Birth. It could well be much more than a coincidence that those two are like psycho-twins unleashed on the world to wreak havoc on their enemies.
Secret Location - Co-president Dick Cheney suffered his 117th heart attack recently at an undisclosed time.
"He just wheezed, gurgled and just sorta fell over," an unnamed source said.
Cheney was immediately rushed to a facility staffed with "people who can make him go," the source reported.
The White House did confirm the heart attack, and Cheney's treatment.
"He is in full recovery," a junior staffer told us. "In the name of efficiency, he is also using this service call to get scheduled hip socket replacements and an artificial spleen. We expect him to be online...uhhh...I mean back on duty in a very short amount of time."
Edmonds, Washington - A brothel has opened in this northwestern U.S. city featuring men who service women, and it is perfectly legal.
"Traditional brothels and escort services have offered what men want, which is an attractive woman to have sexual relations with them," said Marcy Park, owner of the What Womyn Want brothel.
"American women want attractive men too. But instead of wanting to have sex with them, they want to berate a man in public and in front of their friends and family. They want to chip away at his self esteem. And in America, this is all perfectly legal, so our escorts offer this service openly."
The business offers incall, and its very popular outcall service.
"We have the finest quality men, great specimens of physical and mental primacy," Ms Park says. "Our clients feel that to tear a man's self worth down to nothing is a greater challenge if he has a lot of value to start with. These men do outcalls, and that gives our clients an opportunity to berate and humiliate a decent man in a public setting that is becoming less and less available as American men turn away from having such relationships with American women."
Karl Rove relocated to office building far from White House
Washington D.C. - Presidential advisor Karl Rove has been relocated to a new office, in a building far from his former White House office.
"The President thought that the quality of my work would better serve him if I had a change of scenery," Mr. Rove is reported to have said.
President Bush even assigned key White House staff to assist Rove in the transition.
"Yes, he is a loyal buddy, always looking for little ways to help those who have served him," Rove said.
Rove refuted claims that this was some kind of a demotion.
"We have been kicking this idea around for some time, that I find an opportunity to get a new perspective on my service to the President."
Washington (IPI) In a surprise press conference, former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers spoke up about details of her relationship with President George W. Bush. With an amazing degree of candor, Ms. Miers explained some of the motivations for the President to nominate her to the high court.
"The President and I have known each other well for a long period of time," Ms. Miers reported, "and over the years he have a history of time shared together and close loyalty."
"When you work that closely with someone for such a long time, your relationship builds and grows. I would not say we have a traditional relationship. We have drinks together, sometimes at my place, other times at his. We left a trail of empty bottles, that's for damn sure. When we would drain one, we would put the empty on the floor and spin it. That way we could figure out who got to take the first belt of the next bottle."
Asked about details of the exact nature of their relationship, Ms. Miers responded, "We do not have a very traditional relationship, and Laura knows about us. She and Georgie really love each other, but the fire has gone out of their marriage. They stay together for comfort, but for passion it is Georgie and I all the way. Laura also has someone she feels passion for, a drummer in a band. It is all out in the open for us, in fact the four of us go hot tubbing together. It is very above board. Georgie keeps it kinda quiet, you know, so he doesn't rattle the religious nuts."
"Georgie is so sweet, you know he nominated me out of his great deep sense of loyalty. He is the most loyal man there is if he knows you are loyal to him. That is why he never leaves his friends hanging out to dry like that Clinton fellow used to do to his people."
"It was a shame I did not make it to the court like Georgie wanted. I am a quick study for these kinds of things," Ms. Miers concluded. "But at least this way I can stay closer to Georgie, out of the public eye. I can't wait for us to polish off another bottle together, and get some of that monkey love!"
Barbra Streisand blasts Minutemen
Sources placed close to singer Barbra Streisand report that she flew into a rage after learning that her difficulty in finding domestic labor was caused by the activities of the Minutemen on the U.S. border.
"Those Minutemen are EVIL!," Barbra shrieked.
"How dare they march around on the border and cause the supply of gardeners, maids and nannys my friends and I use to dry up," Barbra complained. " If we don't do something about it, before you know it we will have to pay someone a decent living wage for these services, and I cringe to think about how that would dip into my investment portfolio."
"My friends and I are suffering," she continued. "We have to something, even if it means trumpeting the Bush line about them being vigilantes."
Throwing her broom in a fit, Barbra reportedly said, " maybe we can whip up some hysteria to scare the Minutemen off."
Neverland-(UP) A spokesperson for pop singer Michael Jackson anounced that he has become a Boy Scout troop leader in his community near his Neverland ranch. Tyrone Al Shabaz made this announcement several months after Mr. Jackson was acquitted on a case of molesting an underage youth.
"The justice system has demonstrated Mr. Jackson is innocent of any wrongdoing with boys in his life," Mr. Shabaz said. Jackson addressed the issue more directly.
"I truly love boys," the pop singer said, "and I enjoy showing that love. There is nothing wrong with sharing a warm fire, a tent and a sleeping bag with someone you love."
"I know there are many evil people who would see my scouting activities as wrong, but they are mistaken. It is purely innocent. I love to scout boys and there is much we can enjoy together."
Other sources, not wishing to be identified, have disclosed that Jackson is building a scout camp on the Neverland ranch property.
"It sickens me to think about what is going to happen up there," the source said. "He can do whatever he wants and the authorities can't touch him. He is just going to get off."
Crawford Texas-(UP) In an apparent move to shore up support for his war in Iraq, George Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, have enlisted in the army.
With popularity for the war down, enlistment has sunk over 42% during the past six months. A meeting of the minds took place within the Bush household after the twins fought with their father about enlistment.
George had apparently suggested that instead of enlisting they could simply join the national guard. Jenna ended a short interview with the press by saying "God bless America" and "I can't wait to kick some terrorist butt".
The sisters will postpone their careers in teaching and helping aids victims to go off and kill some insurgents and maybe go after the big guy himself, Osama Bin Laden. There is little doubt that the American public will view the Bush sisters efforts as heroic and patriotic.
In the wake of a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that promoting private enterprise that promises sales-tax windfalls for municipal coffers is a "public use" protected by the U.S. Constitution, Cuban leader Fidel Castro has filed suit to purchase the White House and turn the property into an amusement park.
"We can make the White House property a more productive as an asset for all the American people, not just the priviledged few," Castro said, through his Deputy Finance Minister Calientefuego Ybarra. "The current management thinks small, renting out the Lincoln bedroom here, selling some influence there. We can do far far better."
In the lawsuit, submitted directly to the U.S. Supreme Court, lawyers specified detailed plans to turn the property into an amusement park, with themed rides, entertainment pavillions and a museum based on existing structures. The suit also contained details of how the property transfer would lead to increased revenue to the U.S. Treasury.
Hillary was #1 weapon in terror war during Clinton watch
Recently declassified documents have shown that the Clinton administration was able to keep terrorism at bay by an ingenious deployment of First Lady Hillary to potential troublemakers around the globe.
"It obviously worked," said CIA analyst Wesley Trapps, "in that given the potential terror incidents that didn't happen during that administration, when compared to the ramping up of terrorism in the current administration, demonstrates that they were clearly doing something right".
Details of what duties Hillary assumed, and how they were able to thwart terrorism are still unclear. What is known is that she was sent to several potential trouble sites, and that the tensions leading to crisis were released.
Asked if the current First Lady was considered to play such a role, a Bush administration spokesman said, "We do not see that Laura's blend of talents and abilities can help us in such a manner as Hillary did".
A recent investigation geared at building evidence for a trial against Saddam Hussein has revealed that he is, in fact, a Mexican.
"This puts a whole new spin into our case against him.," said assistant deputy prosecutor Gary Nebbing. "We plan to go ahead with all the original charges, and are looking at possibilies to add more charges that will assure he never hangs his sombrero in another palace again."
Debunking the myths of the official Saddam Hussein biography, our Mexican correspondant Flaco Cienfuegos has uncovered his true heritage. "He was born Javier Ernesto Rodriguez, on April 26th, 1937 in the Mexican state of Sinaloa."
Saddam/Javier had an unremarkable childhood, for the most part. He did well in school, got along well with his peers and family. But then something happened when he was 12 that changed everything. "He had a donkey that was the family pet," reports Cienfuegos. "Some older boys lit the donkey on fire and drove it through the streets."
Saddam/Javier became a withdrawn brooding boy. He would hide in his room, looking through National Geographic or staring at his globe. He was as if he were thousands of miles away. The loss of his favorite pet caused him to detach from his life as it was, and look elsewhere.
That elswhere soon became ancient Babylon. Saddam/Javier devoured every scrap of information he could find on the topic, and when he exhausted local resources he turned to regional and later national libraries. He learned the ancient languages and scripts, and became fluent in modern Arabic. Eventually he bagan to speak of restoring the splendor of Babylon in the modern world. At the age of 20, he vanished from Mexico. He found a position in a cultural exchange program and found his way to Iraq, to emerge later that year as a member of the Ba'ath party.
After rising to prominence in the Ba'ath party, his official account of his biography papered over his Mexican origins with a dubious story of being born fatherless in Tikrit to a family of sheep herders. Saddam/Javier retains ties in Mexico where he has many connections and much influence. His Mexican allies were responsible for Mexico revolting against the US led desire to make war on Iraq.
Seperated at Birth? Or Past life?
Bush Collides with Al Qaeda while on bicycle
a stunning development, President Bush has collided with an Al Qaeda
member while on a bicycle ride.
Mr. Bush was unhurt in the collision, and officials took the Al Qaeda
into custody for examination. He was found to have lacerations on his
wrists, electrical burns on his chest and genitals, and contusions on
his face, as well as several broken ribs. He is currently undergoing
treatment at the Gitmo Medical facility.